Forget that last post about laughing. I do not feel like laughing very much at all today.
It goes something like this:
"What would you like for breakfast, P?" I bounce down the stairs joyous that another day has begun (OK, I exaggerated a little)
"Pops!" says P quite positively.
So I pour out a really small, just-about-acceptable-bowl of rice crispies.
"I hate pops!" says P and very dramatically puts head in her folded arms and refuses to eat them.
I gently remind her that she asked for pops, and that she loves pops and that we need to eat our breakfast to grow, so that we become big and strong - and so we don't feel hungry in school. I can see all you parents of small people nodding out there, yes I know it's happened to you to.
But this happens every single meal time. I mean every single, sodding meal time.
"You'll lose special Mummy time" I threaten (we go out on Thursdays for cake when A is at choir)
"You'll be hungry in school, " I remind her.
"Please eat your pops, I'll be so proud of you!" I plead.
"I'll give you a sticker!" I bribe.
"Chocolate? I'll give you chocolate if you eat your pops!" I bribe even further.
"Now look how sad Mummy is!" *fakes cry*
" EAT YOUR F***ING POPS!" I know, it just popped out, pardon the pun.
"Now look what you made me say," I said feeling awful and then trying to blame her.
What a terrible parent I am.
So after school drop off, I examined my behaviour, talked it through with a friend and came up with some lovely peaceful solutions.
I pick up P today and it goes something like this:
"I'm hungry," whined P.
"Well, lets go home and have some fruit and I will cook your dinner really early," I say in my calmest, nicest, nurturing voice.
"I want cake! I want Thrilling Thursdays!" she squealed, referring to our Thursday cake time.
"No P, remember you can't have special cake and Mummy time because you didn't eat your breakfast," I said calmly but starting to bubble up inside.
"I WANT CAKE!" she shouted in full view of other parents.
So I walk ahead of her, disowning her, drawing in a nice, big, restorative breath. And......smile.
"OK darling, hop into the car!" I spoke fairly jovially.
"I'm hungrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrryyyyyyy," moaned P. You know, in that really brain-grating whine.
"I know darling, I'll get you a little snack before I start dinner," I replied.
Breathe. I gave her a packet of mini-cheddar's. She broke me, she saw them in the bread bin and refused fruit from there on.
And at dinner, you guessed it.
"I hate salmon, I'm not hungry, I want mayonnaise....." the noise was breathtakingly loud.
So I left her screaming, can you hear her? No? Just bend in a little closer to your screen. There, told you it was loud. That's my daughters meal time wail.
Every single sodding time. Parenting answers in the box below please.