Being tested

A has only eaten a spoonful of custard in 3 days. I have never felt a hotter human ever, she is like a furnace. Her ear is painful and her stomach is in spasms, with frequent liquid trips to the toilet. She is really very unwell and we have had to wait 36 hours for a doctors appointment. I have had to cancel all my jobs for the last 3 days, most of them unimportant some of them essential.

It is three sleeps until I get on an aeroplane to Nairobi. I feel like I am being tested right up until the last minute. Of course I want A to get better as she looks and feels awful, she's crying a lot and is so pale, but I also would like her to get better so I can go away with peace of mind and not be racked with mothers guilt.

I've also got a queasy feeling in my stomach. A sort of swirly, whirly feeling which is a bit bubbly. Please don't let me be sick. Please don't let me be sick. Please don't let me be sick. I don't think I can stand the waiting.

When we went to Cuba earlier this year we had similar pre-holiday panic. Another situation of will we? -  won't we? get on that plane. The trip which we had saved like crazy for, which we had looked forward to for 5 years, which cost far too much money, which we sacrificed for...

In February, just when we were about to depart the UK for an experience like no other, it snowed. Lots of snow. All flights were cancelled from Heathrow, but then the snow cleared about a day before we flew. And then the bloody French staff for Air France went on strike. Bloody striking French. The plane before us was cancelled, the plane after us was cancelled, but by some small miracle ours took off to Havana and we landed relieved - not caring less how we got home.